Ginger Stewie
by DecaTilde
Summary: This is what I assume to be the unused subplot for "Candy Quahog Marshmallow". Stewie worries that he's going to become a redhead, and both he and Brian set out for answers on why this could be possible.
1. A Sign of Red Hair

_Ginger Stewie_

A _Family Guy_ fanfic

by DecaTilde

* * *

 _Author's Note: I contacted FOX via email about the unused subplot for the Season 14 episode "Candy Quahog Marshmallow", but I never got a reply from them about it, and I probably should have called either Seth MacFarlane, or Fuzzy Door Productions, about it. Anyway, here's a fanfic about what I assume the unused subplot should have been._

* * *

Chapter 1 - A Sign of Red Hair

* * *

It all began one day at the Griffin house, while Peter was away with Cleveland Brown and Joe Swanson at Glenn Quagmire's to watch tapes of the Korean soap opera, _Winter Summer_. Stewie was in his room playing with a toy tea set.

"I have to say, Rupert," he addressed his teddy bear, "this magic tea set sure does turn cold water into pink tea like it says."

He pulled a pretend cracker from a plate and dipped a knife in a cup.

"Would you like a cracker?" he asked.

"Hey, Stewie," Brian greeted, coming into the bedroom.

"Oh," Stewie regarded. "Hey. Did you come in here to gloat about my playing with this magic tea set?"

"No," Brian answered. "I just came in here to charge my phone."

"Why aren't you going to do it downstairs?" Stewie asked.

Brian replied, "Chris accidentally hit a circuit breaker and the power's out downstairs. Good thing the router wasn't affected."

He then noticed a little something different about Stewie.

"Hey, is that a red strand on your head?"

Stewie took notice.

"What the deuce?" he said, alarmed. "Am I turning into a clown?"

"What? No, I think you might be getting that from Lois."

"I don't think so, Brian," Stewie shook his head. "I went ahead thirty years to see what I would become as an adult with my time machine yesterday, and I saw that he had brown hair like the Fat Man. Didn't want to talk to myself, since he'd be shocked."

 **Cutaway:** Indeed, Stewie saw an adult version of himself peering from outside his apartment window. The adult Stewie's head had a bald spot. And yes, it was brown like he said. Anyway, he was preparing a sandwich in the kitchen.

 _"Good Lord,"_ Stewie thought. _"What sort of life am I living in this time? Is this guy a virgin?"_

Back to the bedroom.

"Well," Brian shrugged, "time may not always be accurate. So I guess we should go to the doctor to see what's going on."

Stewie sighed. "I guess you're right. After all, what do we have to lose?"


	2. Worrying

Chapter 2 - Worrying

* * *

Later that afternoon, Brian took Stewie over to the hospital, where Dr. Elmer Hartman checked the strand of red hair on Stewie's head.

"So, what's up, Dr. Hartman?" Brian asked.

"Well, Brian," Dr. Hartman began, "the strand of red hair Stewie has is indeed carried from his mother. However, the other strands of _brown_ hair he has are carried from his father."

 _"Never address them by those names again, Dr. Hartman,"_ Stewie thought angrily. _"Call them Lois and the Fat Man."_

"I never thought I would see a case like this," Dr. Hartman continued. "I believe there's an off chance that Stewie would become a redhead."

"Really?" Brian replied.

"Yes," Dr. Hartman nodded. "And I believe there are _some_ cases related to this that it can lead to the ginger gene."

"What's that?"

"It's when the person who starts to get red hair would have their skin tone get a lighter color and freckles would appear on their face."

Stewie's eyes widened in shock at this.

 _"Oh, no,"_ he thought in worry. _"Does this mean I'm going to become a ginger?"_

"It's not so serious," Dr. Hartman shrugged. "I've had ginger patients before and they had nothing wrong when _they_ got the gene."

Brian turned his attention to Stewie as Dr. Hartman walked away.

"Brian, I'm scared," Stewie shuddered.

"Don't worry, Stewie," Brian assured. "We'll just give this a few days to see whether it _does_ lead to the ginger gene or not."

"That's what I'm worried about," Stewie replied. "What if it _does_ happen and the kids see me at school like that? They'd kick me in the form of a prank!"

Just then, before a cutaway could be set up, Brian's phone vibrated. He picked it up and read a text message that was sent to him. His eyes narrowed upon learning it was from Quagmire.

"Dear Brian," he read. "Me and the guys are going to a country where the people eat the meat of your species. Quagmire. P.S.: Screw you for having sex with my dad." He became even more angry when he read the end of the text. "Oh, come on! He even gave me the finger in the form of an emoji!"

"Guess this is _more_ proof that Quagmire hates you, Brian," Stewie replied.

* * *

 _Author's Note:_ _Stewie's worry about his being kicked is based on the controversy from the_ _South Park_ _episode "Ginger Kids", after the father of a ginger boy blamed the episode after the boy got kicked._


	3. Brian's Suggestion

Chapter 3 - Brian's Suggestion

* * *

Later that day, back in the Griffin house, Brian explained to Lois about Stewie's condition.

"Well, Brian," Lois began, "if Stewie's about to have red hair and freckles, I see nothing wrong with that. After all, he _did_ get the red hair gene from me."

"Told ya'," Brian said to Stewie.

"However, I feel as if Stewie was about to have a little brother or sister," Lois continued, recalling the events of "Emission Impossible". "And I bet _they_ would have gotten the red hair from me."

"Yeah, it could be," Brian replied. "But what I don't understand is why Peter and the gang decided to go to Korea. Quagmire texted me that he was."

"It's because he wanted to watch the last episode of that crappy soap opera he was in."

Lois then got up from the couch and went upstairs, leaving Brian and Stewie alone.

"Lois is right, Brian," Stewie shrugged. "Bertram, though we had a global conquest rivalry, _was_ my younger brother, though his sperm was donated. I wish I could tell him about my worry, but I murdered him in Renaissance-era Italy."

 **Cutaway:** In a live-action scene, New-York-born actor Tony Sirico was inside his living room, sitting on the couch and watching TV.

"Thanks for not making fun of my heritage this time, Stewie," Tony said. "I _do_ remember voicing the dog that temporarily replaced your best friend after he kicked the bucket for a few weeks, and it's such a shame he don't remember you now."

Back in the living room.

"Kicked the bucket?" Stewie repeated, confused. "Brian, did something happen some time ago?"

"Like I said, I'll tell you about it sometime," Brian replied. "But getting back to the subject on Bertram, maybe you could go back in time with your time machine, to a time where you _didn't_ murder him, so that maybe you _can_."

"Hmmm, maybe you're right," Stewie said, thinking about it. "After all, I don't want to alter the past this time. I mean, more than two years ago it was a disaster."


	4. Chat with Bertram

_Author's Note: Some of the next chapter is based on a suggestion made in the audio commentary of a Season 12 episode. I know that to this day, neither Seth nor the Family Guy crew have created that episode so far. Perhaps I can call him about **that** as well._

* * *

Chapter 4 - Chat with Bertram

* * *

Stewie had gone upstairs to his bedroom and set the coordinates on his time machine.

"All right, Rupert," Stewie addressed his teddy bear. "We're about ready to travel back to a moment where I never killed Bertram, so I can tell him about my condition. I've even set the correct coordinates as well."

As Stewie was about to go into the machine, Brian came in with a fanny pack. Stewie noticed this and sighed disgustedly.

"You don't need that fanny pack on, Brian," he said. "We're just going to have a chat with Bertram."

"Fine," Brian sighed, removing the fanny pack from his waist. "I _was_ about to take some dog biscuits with me."

"Have you had your lunch?"

Pause.

"Yes," Brian answered.

"Then, let's go," Stewie replied. "We've not a moment to lose."

The two friends (and Rupert) got into the machine, which then activated.

* * *

Brian and Stewie appeared at the sidewalk of a block.

"Well, Brian, here we are," Stewie said. "Quahog from Season 7."

"Yeah," Brian replied. "This is when you guys temporarily replaced me with that new dog."

"Yes," Stewie noted, "but this is one of the moments before I killed _him_."

" _And_ mutilated him," Brian added.

"Luckily," Stewie began, "I transported us somewhere where we don't encounter our past selves. We're only a few blocks away from Spooner Street."

Just then, Stewie noticed something very familiar in another block.

"Wait a minute," he said before running in that direction. Brian followed him.

Stewie stopped next to a fire hydrant where a similar-looking tan-colored male dog wearing a black collar had done his business.

"Excuse me," Stewie addressed the dog, "don't I know you?"

The dog turned around, revealed to be Vinny, from the three-episode "Life of Brian" arc, and noticed Stewie. He chuckled, the familiar Paulie Gualtieri voice.

"I don't know _you_ ," he shrugged, "but I'm very popular in the neighborhood. You might've seen me in _South Pacific_." He started singing. "We don't have the dames."

"I don't think so," Stewie replied. "But can you tell us where a ginger baby named Bertram lives?"

Vinny had time to think for a second.

"Uh... I think he lives in that house over there," he said, pointing across the street.

"Thank you," Stewie congratulated before he and Brian ran in that direction.

 _"Hmmm,"_ Vinny thought. _"There's something about that baby."_

While Stewie and Brian arrived at the house, Stewie wondered, "I could have sworn I've seen that dog before."

"I haven't seen him before," Brian shrugged. "If I _did_ , I vaguely remember him."

 **Cutaway:** Again in live-action footage, Tony, watching the events on his TV this time, chuckled.

" _I_ remember him," he said. "He's the dog I voiced."

* * *

Inside his bedroom, Bertram was drawing some plans with his crayons.

"I think for my next plan," he said to himself, "I'm going to build a rocket and send Stewie to the Moon with it. That will mean nothing can stand in my way for global conquest."

"Hello, Bertram," Stewie's voice greeted, getting his attention.

"Stewie?!" he gasped. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I didn't come here to challenge you to a duel or anything," Stewie replied as Brian came in. "I just want to have a chat with you."

"Very well," Bertram sighed. "Fire away."

"I recently discovered that I have a strand of red hair on my head," Stewie began. "The doctor assumed that I may have what's called the ginger gene. My dog Brian and I think that you had something to do with this."

"Well, if you have a strand of red hair," Bertram said, "then I didn't do anything to you. I sure wish I _did_ , but I didn't. I find nothing wrong with having red hair and freckles myself. I think it's pretty natural. Just look at all those Rick Astley videos."

"Yes, I can tell. But does what you say explain why _I_ may have it? Sure, my mother has red hair, but no ounce of freckles on her face."

"Hmmm, then maybe it's a coincidence. If you _do_ have the ginger gene, be sure and let me know."

"I don't think so, Bertram," Brian explained. "We've come from the future, and you... died."

Bertram gasped. "What?"

"But you wouldn't want to know that," Stewie added before he and Brian put on pairs of sunglasses and got out a neuralizer. "Farewell, Bertram." Stewie pressed the minutes button and, in a flash, as both Brian and Stewie transported away from the time, Bertram was left dazed.

Bertram later shook his head and started wondering.

"What the hell happened?" he asked.


	5. Test Results Return

_Author's Note:_ _Sorry it took so long, everyone. Anyway, here's the last chapter of the fanfic._

* * *

Chapter 5 - Test Results Return

* * *

A few days had passed since the duo returned from their time trip. They were in Stewie's bedroom.

"Well, I guess that's it," Stewie sighed and shrugged. "If I _do_ have the ginger gene, a lot of the kids in my preschool class are going to laugh at me and call me freckle face, or carrot top, or any other name that describes my condition."

"We don't actually know if you have it, Stewie," Brian shrugged. "We'll just have to wait for the results to return."

Just then, Brian spoke too soon as his phone rang. He answered it.

"Hello?" Brian responded. "Yes, he's here." A few seconds of silence. Afterwards, he smiled. "Okay, I'll let him know." Brian then hung up. "Good news, Stewie; you're not becoming a ginger."

"I'm not?" Stewie repeated in excitement. "Well, this is fantastic!" His excited face gave way. "But why did I have a strand of red hair the other day?"

Brian noticed some red finger paint on Stewie's hands.

"Wait," he replied. "Have you been finger painting?"

"Oh," Stewie realized. "I guess I forgot to tell you." With that, he chuckled nervously. "I was busy painting the carnage from my dream of killing Lois the other day."

"You still stuck on your vendetta?" Brian asked.

"I may get off it eventually," Stewie shrugged.

"Well, speaking of vendettas," Brian replied, "I have a way of responding to Quagmire for that taunting text message, when he gets back from Korea."

 **Cutaway:** We see Brian beat the nextdoor neighbor real badly, curled up on the floor with black eyes and bruises on his face.

"The next time I see you near _my_ house," Brian shouted, "I'll blow _your_ head off!" He landed a couple more kicks on his face. "Eat a bag of dicks, you piece of crap!" With that, he walked off.

A few seconds later, Quagmire got back up and addressed Brian.

"Hey."

This got his attention.

"Don't try taunting me with the same ******* threat I gave you after you had sex with my dad."

Quagmire then slammed the door.

* * *

The End

* * *

 _Author's Note:_ _What the heck was_ _ **that**_ _? Brian giving Quagmire the same threat Quagmire gave him in "Quagmire's Dad"? Boy, turnabout_ _ **is**_ _fair play._

 _Anyway, that's exactly how I want the fanfic to end. Hope you all enjoyed it. And I have made a last-minute change to the previous chapter._


End file.
